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Joe Tinney locks the door to Open Book Coffee and turns off the LED “Open” sign.
“Don’t need people barging in while we’re chatting,” he says.
It’s moments after closing time, and the Halifax coffee shop has turned into a meeting ground. For the next two hours, about half a dozen men will talk about relationships, jobs, society and spirituality all guided by a common goal: men’s mental well-being.
The sessions — called “How Are You, Really?” — happen every second Wednesday at Open Book Coffee. It’s a time for men to speak openly and intimately about their struggles.
“We live in a society that is rich with toxic masculinity,” says Tinney. “[A safe place] is something I’m trying to give them.”
He brings elements from the 12 Steps program to how the group is run, namely confidentiality and anonymity. The goal is to create a space where men, who so often put up barriers to their mental health, can be themselves — warts and all.
The session starts structured: going around in a circle, with each man talking about how the last couple of weeks have gone for them. It quickly becomes a free-flowing conversation, with everyone contributing equally.
As these men explore their deepest problems, they articulate themselves through humour, humility, or confessing their darkest thoughts. The words they choose can be coarse and blunt.
“Nobody’s ever said anything wrong in this room,” says Tinney. “If you need to come at things from different angles in order to fully articulate what it is that you’re trying to express, everybody knows that they’ve got time to do that.”
Tinney runs the group with a clear goal: unfiltered honesty. He challenges participants to express themselves when he thinks they might be closing up, and asks pointed questions that demand introspection.
He says this approach stems from his own experience of battling depression, PTSD, a marijuana addiction and the subsequent rehab.
“I used to be really sneaky. About a lot of things in my life,” he says. “Your lies catch up to you, inevitably and invariably.”
Two hours fly by when Tinney flickers the lights in Open Book Coffee, signalling the end of “How Are You, Really?”
The participants leave together, determined to continue the conversations at one of their homes.
“In the end, it’s just important that they’re heard,” says Tinney.
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